Merry Yule!

Ok, so. Ive decided to make this personal. Maybe I will have a separate one for my land and greater ideas. I dont really want to recycle this blog name (the colors of reality are fading) yet again(its been used for like 3 defunct blogs of mine now), and definately not for the land. Its too depressing. I like it tho. I made it up some years ago and I think its pretty damn cool.
Ive been feeling really sad and lonely. Its the holiday season and Im here alone. Dont really have any friends here yet (well, shay and george), Eric is back in NY for the holidays, and my dad said he was going to come out and visit me for xmas day, but .. suddenly changed plans to spend the day with his girlfriend instead. Its starting to piss all of us off, how obsessed he is with her.
My mom made a genuine effort to pull together plans to get her out here for the day, but it just isnt going to work. Flights are hella expensive too.
The man at the post office, I must learn his name, thought I was lucky to spend it alone. Sure its kind of sad, but also no headaches, no noise, no 48 hours of cooking. I can do what _I_ want. Fire, movies, reading, some time in the woods.
Today was my day off and I havent played ANY videogames. Thats a first in over a month. Ive really been slacking since Eric left. Its been nice tho. Its helped me come to terms with the lack of free time i get during the warmer months. Over the summer I was upset about it. Now I realize that its just going to work that way. Summers I work like hell (except this time, Ill arrange for at least a half day off per week instead of nothin), and winters, I just work my job, and hang out. After a month im already over-saturated and ready to find something to do.
Isnt that weird?
A year ago even if I had had that feeling, I would have kept right on doing nothing.
Im still trapped in emotions, but Im getting stronger, better.
Ive been obsessing about a boy lately.
Usually we talk every day. Then sometimes, he disappears for a while and just flat out ignores me without a reason. It drives me crazy. I obsess about what hes doing, if hes mad at me, I get rampantly jealous if I happen to notice hes hanging out with someone else. Which is crazy. I mean, when we are talking daily, I can talk to him 5 minutes and im set, i dont give a shit what he does the rest of the day. But when hes ignoring me its a whole different story. When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do is look at my phone to see if I missed his call during the night. When I see he didnt call, my heart drops and I lie in bed, sometimes crying, for a half hour before I force myself to get up, thoughts of suicide running along the fringes.
Ok, I know im insane. I do.
And im not going to do it, even when I really really want to.
When I got out of the car after coming back from the Antonito holiday celebration tonight, I looked up at the sky. Out here, the sky is so full its hard to believe. Everywhere else Ive ever lived, there was smog, humidity, light polution, and the only stars you saw were the brightest ones. Here there are billions and billions visible. I screamed "I AM SO LUCKY TO BE ALIVE!"
and then as an afterthought "HAPPY YULE AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!" I listened to see if anyone would respond. Nothing. Silence. Wind. Bitter Bitter Wind.
Its cold tonight. Not especially so actually, but the wind is painful. My fleece hoody does nothing.
I sat at the post office for about 20 minutes. of course I went early, I showed up at 5:20. The parade of lights was supposed to start at 5:30, but this is the Valley, and it didnt start till after 5:40. All for about 5 trucks towing trailers covered in christmas lights, and a pack of highschool cheerleaders dancing in the snowy street. It was fun tho. Small as it was, I felt like part of the community. So many people were there, tho most were staying inside their cars, blocking off all the side roads and parking facing main street. I cant wait till next year - we have a truck, and a trailer. Id love to participate. Help it all grow.
Afterwards everyone went to the high school cafeteria. I debated going but decided to just do it. Nike baby. At the least, I became familiar with where the high school cafeteria was, and felt that much more a part of the community, like i belonged in there. Well, sort of. Everyone else was with packs of families and friends, I was alone. They had a band of teens playing onstage. One of them was pretty good, he had some nice shredding moves. He only played in one song tho, the others he just sat there with an apathetic 'cool' look. They had like 6 guitarists LOL. A girl on a flute, a drummer, and a keyboardist.
After a few songs, they called up the rainbow cheerleaders, which was about 10 6 year olds. It was cute. And then they called out Santa. I laughed when he came out. The kids hollared excitedly, and out ran ... a guy in a santa costume of course but .. his beard didnt even look like a beard, it was a piece of white felt glued to his chest, cut into thick fringes. He wore some kind of mask over his eyes too, making him look like a bandit. I couldnt help but laugh, and as the kids all lined up to tell him what they wanted for christmas, I took my leave. After downing my glass of hot chocolate of course.