Im angry and jealous I suppose. Both at my brother. I want him to leave. I dont want him to be a part of my dream. I called him yesterday from Alamosa and was telling him about the baby chickens and ducks I saw in Big R, they were so adorable! As soon as I said that the first thing he said was "You cant have one." Like wtf? First of all, Im not stupid enough to buy one right off the bat without something set up for it. Second of all, this is MY project, MY dream. and hes my brother. he cant tell me what i can and cant do. If I want a chicken, I can get a chicken. I dont need his permission.
Im also jealous because all my friends just talk to him. No one gives a fuck about me. He makes all these posts on facebook and they sound like shit I used to write. I mean, its good. I just feel like he takes everything from me. Everything I care about, everything Im good at, he steals away and flaunts it in front of people and gets all the attention. None of my friends talk to me anymore. They only call me if they cant get in touch with him.
I feel so left out and hurt.
I want to change myself so this shit doesnt bother me. But how?
What do I want?
I want to be better than him at something.
I want to have recognition for what Im good at.
I want to have freedom to do as I please and live my life dream freely.
I want to be cared about by people.

How do I accomplish this?
-Practice. Focus on what Im good at. Even if he does them too. Writing and photography. Write weekly at a minimum. Try to blog one, and do one creative. Start editing my pictures, get a high quality printer. Im good at research and organization. Put those skills to work for the land, develop comprehensive spreadsheets of information. Practice didgeridoo. Become more proficient with technology and computers.

-Learn new skills. Learn photoshop. Learn viola. Re-learn to paint. Get trained in something unique that Eric doesnt have like EMT Training. Read alot and take notes (
to help me remember and pay attention). Get certified in permaculture. Move towards goals of being a wilderness ranger, a herbalist(focus on wild native plants), and also towards being a consultant for sustainable living and design. Learn knitting and sewing, make my own clothes.

- Promotion. Clean photos up and get a few bests, try to sell them in Alamosa or get them up around town in Antonito. Make my blog public. Advertise it. Post pics and writings on facebook and myspace. Stay involved in the community, go to town meetings and spread my knowledge of sustainable techniques. Try to get hired by the county. Practice positive thinking.

- Freedom. Spend more time outside alone, hiking and camping. Volunteer some time, once a month at the homeless or animal shelter. Go to college, make some friends, even just acquaintences, jsut some other people that I can be around besides Eric that dont have any ties to him. Call my old friends once in a while. Dont just listen to them and patiently wait to get off the phone, take initiative and tell them about what Im doing, get excited and share myself.
Meditate, develop peace of mind and compassion. Develop passion, become obsessed with things so that I become meticulously knowledgeable or good at them. Have lots of new life experience, experience many things so I have a wealth of stories, try to do some of them seperate from Eric. Go exploring on my own every now and then, just drive around randomly, take pictures.

Relationships - Lose weight!! People will treat me with more respect, sad but true. I know im not ugly so i might be able to get a lover too. Ill be more confident and outgoing when Im comfortable with how I look. Again, positive thinking. Reach out to old friends. Go to a different college than eric and try to meet people seperately from him. Be involved in the community. Pursue my relationships in BARC, even tho they are all alot older than me.

What makes me unique? Unique from Eric?
Im more introspective, tho he is alot too. Im more sensitive and more caring. I inspire him to do everything he does, but then he just takes over and does it better. Fuck I dont know. Nothing :(. No I cant say that, I need to be proud of who I am. But what? How?